Hi, I’m Dennis Wise and I’m here to tell you how I overcame my fear of tents.
Since an early age I’ve had a morbid fear of life under canvas. I think it goes back to a cub scout jamboree where I was routinely picked on by the bigger kids – and believe me most of the kids were bigger.
Anyway, through the wonder of aversion therapy I have finally managed to control my fears to the point where I can stand within 20 feet of a dome tent with only minor feelings of nausea.
What’s that you say? Could I cope with 2 tents near me?
No fucking way mate – it’s taken me a year to work up from being in the same room as an Action Man bivouac to get to the point where I can cope with a single 2 man dome tent. Any more than that and I’d probably shite myself.
Fucking hell! Whats that?! You fuckers! You told me there was only going to be one tent here.
Oh bugger – I’ve shat.
Category Features |
Young children are to be taught about homosexuality in their maths, geography, science and English lessons, it has emerged.
As part of a Government-backed drive to ‘celebrate the gay community’, maths problems could be introduced that involve gay characters.
We asked members of the public to answer a sample question from the new gay maths syllabus.
“If it takes 2 transgender people an hour to dig a hole three feet deep, how long would it take four lipstick lesbians to plug a hole in a dyke?”
Jill Doe
Secretary
“I expected it to be multiple choice. Is it Glasgow?” |
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James Jameson
G.P.
“It depends. What race are the lesbians and the transgender people?” |
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Harold Ite
Student
“Before I could answer I’d need to watch them for a while.. ..and maybe join in if they’d let me.” |
Category Have your Say |
Gone To Pot was how the CEO of the largest skunk cannabis producers in the West Midlands described the current predicament facing farmers last night.
“A lot of our members were apprehended during the cold snap due to roof lagging problems,” he said, speaking under condition of anonymity. “Now the VAT increase and obscene energy bills mean we’ve had to relocate to India where overheads are much lower.
“We believed our business plan was robust enough to supply any political climate,” he said. “However, it’s clear that running hydroponics farms is no longer profitable. We’ve had to pass our increases on to the consumer who appears to have reverted to the traditional Benylin and Cider relaxation technique to save his own costs.
“It’ll be a sad day when the last buds are picked and the lights are turned off with no sign of additional investment. We do expect brisk trade at our Warehouse Sale though.”
In an area experienced in dealing with industrial gloom this would appear to be a further nail in the coffin of local enterprise.
Local distributor, Justin Hale, said, “It’s shit innit man. That CEO Phil Stoned said this day would come. It’s well said ’bout them lovely shrubs but business must carry on. I’m gettin sorted with Es + Whizz man.”
Category News |
- Eta announces theatrical departure. (l. to r. Txabi Etxabe, Juan Etxebarrieta, Andrew Lloyd Webber)
The Basque separatist group Eta has announced a permanent ceasefire in its fight for independence from Spain after Andrew Lloyd Webber offered it’s ruling council roles in a new musical based on the life of John Merrick, the Elephant Man.
The ceasefire announcement was not unexpected, with the possible abandonment of hostilities with Spain featuring regularly in announcements from the group over the past few years.
What is surprising is the role of Andrew Lloyd Webber in brokering the deal.
“As you know, I have previously staged many hit musicals including Phantom Of The Opera, which featured a mask wearing Frenchman, ” said Lloyd Webber.
“The idea for ‘Merrick!’ came about when I was holidaying in Barcelona five years ago. I saw a news broadcast with these darling men from Eta in their delightful hoods and hats and was immediately taken back to the first time I watched dear Johnny Hurt’s moving performance in The Elephant Man movie.”
“Half an hour later I had the structure of a show and five songs written including ‘I am not an elephant’, ‘Can you cure me?’ and the emotional closing number ‘Goodnight.. ..wheeze.. ..cough’”.
It is unclear whether Juan Extebarrieta or Txabi Etxabe will take the lead role, although Etxabe told reporters at the press conference that he expected his rival for the role “to be removed, permanently, ” from the race.
Category News |
- The "fully automatic" button on this weapon is not clearly labelled.
The US gun control lobby is calling for a ban on automatic weapons after a gunman in Tucson, Arizona, shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and then began firing indiscriminately into a crowd of people.
“It is every American’s right to bear arms, but there needs to be a line drawn,” said Jeff Muesli, a staunch advocate of gun control.”
“Automatic weapons, which are incredibly easy to acquire, are plainly dangerous. Any weapon that requires no manual input to start shooting has the potential to cause untold mayhem, whatever the intentions of the owner.”
“And what possible justification can there be for owning a weapon capable of firing hundreds of rounds in a few seconds?”
Marc Smanship of the National Rifle Association (NRA), a pro-gun organisation, refutes Mr Muesli’s argument.
“Obviously, we deplore the inappropriate use of any firearm, be it a fully automatic rifle or a muzzle loaded musket.”
“Used responsibly, an automatic weapon can be employed to control infestations of frogs or mice. If God should decide to send a plague of biblical proportions we would recommend the deployment of napalm or, in the worst cases, tactical nuclear weaponry. It’s all a question of using the appropriate level of response.”
Category News |
A US judge has dismissed a legal action that accuses Harry Potter author JK Rowling of copying the work of another author.
What do you think?
Tracy Cornwell
Student
“If plagiarism is so bad, why do computer programs have a copy and paste function? Answer me that.” |
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Barry Wallis
Postman
“The same thing happened to me. The ideas in my book ‘The Adventures of Johnny Foreigner and Dildo the Dog” were stolen by Hergé for the Tintin books and there’s nothing I can do about it. It stinks.” |
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Carl Runnings
Tobogganist
“Last night I and I watched a Torrent of the last Harry Potter movie and I have to say me deeply suspicious that JK Rowling has stolen ideas from other films. It’s terrible that this sort of thing goes on.” |
Category Have your Say |
A Brazilian football player will be charged for falsely reporting he had been kidnapped to avoid being fined by his club for arriving late for training, police say.
Somalia, a midfielder for the leading Rio de Janeiro club Botafogo, said he had been abducted at gunpoint at about 0700 on his way to the training ground.
But police say CCTV footage from his apartment building showed him leaving late for work at 0900.
What do you think?
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Jake Morrison
Call Centre Operative
“We’ve all done it. Over the past few years I’ve been off work five times to attend my grandad’s funeral. I’m amazed my bosses haven’t realised.” |
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Walter Wall
Human Rights Lawyer
“I’m not a racialist but these Somalians are all trouble makers. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those Somalian pirates and was hoping to get a ransom.” |
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Bridget McNeill
Social Worker
“This man obviously has a mental problem. It’s awful of the authorities to victimise him in this way.” |
Category Have your Say |
As Emeritus Professor of Politics, Culture and Football Research at Santiago University it is a pleasure to have been invited to write for this site and break my exile.
My painstaking research into the Over The Bar administrators has reassured me of the intellectual audience my archived work will stimulate. My years in academia have provided me with numerous contacts across the world in Universities, Governments and Football governing bodies following my ‘Road to Damascus’ moment when realisation dawned that all political and cultural development can be linked to football through often painstaking research methodology.
Prior to Santiago I was headhunted by Harvard but I was quickly perceived as dangerous given my radical views and links to the Pentagon which I will reveal over time. I was silenced by the FBI for 5 years and forced to publish my best known works ‘Heading gives you headaches’, ‘Bad tackles can break your legs’, ‘Why the Chinese are shit at football’, ‘Why the wage bill at Birmingham City under Barry Fry equalled the GDP of Canada’, ‘Sepp Blatter has no previous’. Utter crap, a waste of my time. But I continued with my links to develop new ideas and uncover startling truths I am now able to share with you.
Forget the eager fan who becomes a Professor because he has a regional accent and is vaguely articulate and great on radio. The words you will read are real, painstakingly researched and verified like the X Factor results and will turn your ideas about football on its head.
Welcome to my world. Strap yourselves in. Position your conti pads and enjoy the trip. Cos it is a trip.
Category Opinion, Sport |
- The countryside, yesterday.
Medical experts have expressed fears that this weekend’s FA Cup Third Round fixtures could trigger a Swine Flu epidemic.
Fans of the top teams typically live in modern municipal conurbations. The fear is that mixing with fans from lower league teams out in the countryside will lead to a plague of cross infection.
Former doctor and cultural observer, Dr Rocque Ocque explains, “Basically, as far as I understand football, the Third Round offers the chance for something called ‘minnows’ to take the ‘scalp’ of one of the ‘big boys’. My good friend and business associate, Big Sam, assures me this is nothing to do with fish and Red Indians, but something about the ‘romance of the cup’, which sounds even dodgier.”
When pressed on medical matters Dr Ocque said, ”Basically, as far as I understand medicine, people in the countryside are more likely to keep cattle and swine, to look after them and to care for them in a special way. But if they come into contact with their big city cousins this weekend at the football, the epidemic could be on a scale bigger than X-Factor.”
Government officials added to these fears by saying, “Swine Flu was much bigger than X-Factor last Christmas and we expect it to get much bigger this year with all the added publicity we’ve been giving it”.
FA Chiefs added, “We scheduled the Manchester Utd vs Liverpool game as a precaution but we can’t prevent all country folk from going to games. Don’t worry though, they’ll all by knocked out by February.”
In a related story, Norwich bosses worried that, “this could really affect our promotion ambitions”.
Tags: Football, Health
Category Sport |
Toshiba, the Japanese electronics giant, has unveiled the latest development in 3D technology.
“Solograms” are holograms which are capable of interacting with the environment, creating a convincing illusion of solidity – hence the provisional name – and can be created in real-time, at broadcast speeds, from 3D cameras or Computer Generated Imagery (CGI).
Boffins in Toshiba’s Advanced Kinetics Laboratory hooked the Sologram technology to a copy of Electronic Arts’ FIFA 2011 console game and were able to generate a solid, 3D football team controlled by the game’s artificial intelligence simulators.
- Sologram footballers take on Japanese Army XI
A demonstration match, between a team of Toshiba Solograms and a Japanese Army XI, had to be abandoned after twenty-three minutes following a fatal injury suffered by one of the human players when challenged by a computer-generated opponent.
Toshiba believe the technology will be a big hit.
“It is still early days,” said Chief Scientist Samaka Yakura. “We anticipate licencing the technology to console-game developers in the near future but, at the moment, the Solograms are proving a little too robust.”
Tags: Football, Gadgets, Technology
Category Features, News, Sport |
